"CM" Page 7 ...:::NxT:::... by *DamaKuruta on deviantART

I should have never doubted. I'm sorry.

Tags: smile

I....am angry.

Is that the right word? It doesn't seem like it. Right now it's a cocktail of dissapointment and frustration and anger. I feel like I'm trapped and caged and it's my own fault.

It's rare to find myself genuinely disappointed in someone aside from myself. Maybe because every other time I've had a backup plan manifest itself in what I'd like to call my clever mind but not today. I really dont know what to do. Ideas are sand in my hands and desperation is a hole in the pit of my stomach.

I'm deflating more and more as the clock keeps ticking, defeat shrowding over my eyes. It's the slight shove into an icy lake that I cannot swim.

Fuck it, Im done with people.

Tags: anger, desperation, silent, tyrade
Current Mood: annoyed

Graduation!!!!! Ima Gra-joo-ma-tated guys!!!

I feel like a giant rock monster just got it's gigantic ass off my back.
Deadlines Deadlines Deadlines Deadlines Deadlines!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm surprised I didn't dive out of a moving car.
(Although the random thought did wiggle it's way into my brain--don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I just read some Neon Genesis, that'll give anyone dark creepy thoughts but I digress.)

I'm hoping to get a job but it's going to be SO tough with the economy and all. I have a friend that works at a vet clinic and she's been inviting me to work with her on the weekends that she's alone and needs hours. It's actually quite fun but extremely tiring. Big dogs = grappling them back into their cages. I'm hoping that by showing my devotion someone there will let me in on a job. I don't care what! Receptionist, caretaker, technician. ANYTHING!! ;-; They're also really good about working around college schedules so that's a plus.

I really want to save up for a laptop or a decent desktop that can withstand the Adobe monsters. Right now I'm using my mom's old thing but it's so temperamental and as I've said before my last love was kidnapped by my sister and it had photoshop already!!! Just because she's going for her art major they think I don't need it. I hate my family.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Money!:D I got some mula from family members that I haven't seen in forever (which is more than I got from my mom but I wasn't really asking so I can't really complain). It's not much but it's a good start.

I also hope to go to Puerto Rico this summer to visit my Gamma and Brother but that'll be another war with the mother. I've really got to get my mind off of her.

I'm gonna go read some fanfiction.

Something I haven't done since December I think.

Tags: graduation new life computer money work
Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Evanescence- Lies

I'm so over school.


June 4th 2008.


GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










:D

Tags: i'm so over school june 4 2008 graduatio
Current Mood: blank

I find it slightly odd that the moment I acquire an almost endless amount of freedom, I end up bottling myself up into another restricted household.

My mother is in Italy.*insert cheer here*

But my sister came and kidnapped me for the week a couple of hours later. It's not bad that she took me away from that horrid apartment but. . . I just felt like I could have gotten away with anything with the knowledge that no one was there. FREEDOM!!
I guess it's okay to have some limits. Who knows what dangerous pastime I would have come up with in lonely boredom. Mom would have killed me.

Teenager burns down half an apartment complex "I was just trying to see if marshmallows in oil would burn or fry!"exclaimed the 17 year old, left to her own devices while her mother took a spontaneous vacation to Italy.

*sigh*
A harshly ironic fact of life is that I'm currently writing on the computer my sister stole from me. ---I don't even know what else to say about that.

My spring break isn't going to be without work. OH NO! Apparently I have an entire presentation on my research paper thesis due on the day I get back. Isn't that lovely. wth. I can't even remember the last time I opened photoshop because I felt like it. It's all been for work. I feel so bad about hardly being done with a bookcover I promised forever ago. IM SORRY GOLDBERRY!!!! I will get that cover done before graduation even if it kills my mental stability.

We had to watch V for Vendetta in english (which made it the 50 billionth time I watched the movie. V = <3) and I (again) got slightly jealous of the wonderful Natalie Portman for having an awesome reason to shave her head. I know this is the oddest thing next to a giant ball solely made of rubber bands but I really wish I had a reason to shave my head and be bald for just a little while. I would do it in real life if only:

1. Mother wouldn't disown me
2. I didn't have prom around the corner
3. I didn't make an appointment at the salon for an up do
4. I dodn't have to go to school and deal with people(i.e."Like OMG did you SEE her HEAD" "Like yeah. . . it reminds me of my ex-boyfriends penis""OMG you are like so totally right""I know I'm so good like that.")
5. I had enough money for rediculously awsome wigs,
6. I could wear beenies with out getting stopped by the dress code warden.(then again they usually assume girls with bald heads have cancer or something...mmmm no no not something I want to get bad karma for. . .)
7. I had the balls to do it!!!!!!!!!!

Random this journal has been.

Tags: yoda work photoshop random list boredom
Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: Spin Doctors- Two Princes/ Various Daft Punk songs

The work never ends. I'm supposed to be finishing an article that was due mmmmmm this morning(its 9:12pm).
I am suffering from an amazing amount of writers block right now. Why now? I have way too many literature classes, I can't afford the lack of a muse.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid that if I write a SUCKtastic article the people I'm writing about will probably flog me and find a way to make me their eternal bitch. It's that bad.
If I ever have the stupid idea of writing for sports, kill me. okay? Remind me that I'm better at bitching in editorials.
Oh and to make life BETTER, I have a billion things to do for english and if I don't to any of those things the probability of me failing is tremendously high. sucks. I have a senior paper with 20 pages of notes attached to it, a power point that I'm supposed to do to go along with the paper (&with what computer??!?), and a friday forum as the cherry on top. That doesn't include the hours I'll be spending after school slaving away for newspaper to make layouts and yell at freshman to not write horrible things about sports teams that I end up having to justify.

I have a life people. I'd like to spend it by going on photoshop to finish personal projects that I committed to at the beginning of the year, not for school.

Happy notes: I spoke to a very old, very missed, and much loved friend yesterday night. I missed her first phone call and realized that I didn't have the number to call her back and just about died. I ended up calling old friends of hers and friends of their friends and even her GRANDPARENTS who have never met me in their life mind you. Of course, the irony of life would provide me with her grandparents number but not hers(they didn't give me her number either btw). I was so crushed about missing her call that after playing a game of real life Carmen Sandiego, I called my other friend whose main purpose in life is to pretend to listen to me whine about the day (it didn't help that I had just seen Heath Ledger's body being carted out in a black bag) and in the middle of "today has been so depressing", my friend calls me back and I end my previous call with "i'll talk to you later in life." and we talked and talked and talked. It was great.

Semi-happy thought 1: Senior Lunch friday(wooo:])I get to miss english(huzzah:D) but I am pathetically broke(boo DX). I'd ask mom for money but right now she'd most likely eat me for lunch than give me money for lunch. le sigh.

Semi-happy thought 2: I give blood tomorrow. I don't know if I should cheer because I'm saving lives or cry because I dislike needles. I've done it once before and it wasn't so bad. The only crisis that occurred was whether I should look or not when the nurse was putting in the needle. I didn't. It still stung.
The part I really do hate though is that you have to clench your fist after it's in to fill up the bag. NOT FUN. You can feel the needle inside you and junk. eeeeeeewwwwwwiiiiiieeee. I can already feel it in my arm. Hopefully I'll be able to donate in the morning like I want to. Last time I had to come back at the end of the day because my blood pressure was too low at first. The nurse checked for it like 3 times and she said she couldn't hear it, I was freakin out I thought something was wrong with me. Here's to missing weightlifting!


*deep breath........exhale*

That feels better.

Away with bad juju.

R.I.P Heath Ledger
April 4 1979 - January 22 2008

Tags: heath ledger work crap blood writing wri
Current Mood: blah

It's official, the little bitch stole my computer.
And what am I left with?

Nothing.

I can already see the countless hours I'll be spending in the lab wracking my brains because of that selfish retard.

The record shows that I last posted on here 58 weeks ago. How bad am I at keeping this journal?

I do have the excuse that I don't have a computer and that my sister stole what body parts I had of it. The little weasel. War, I cry, War.

Ironically enough, I'll be performing in 3 days, but this time, instead of having no life and becoming a slave to rehearsal, we have just the opposite: lack of rehearsal. We've gone through the show a total of 1/one/uno/ichi time. And it was a speed read. So when I come back to school on Monday we'll be doing a much needed rehearsal and then performing it that night - wow.
That sucks...a lot.

School, however, has been ...okay. I'm doing well in my classes and the only "stress" I experience is the kind I like. It's more like a push to do things I know I can make awesome.

I realized that in my previous years of high school I've been such an uptight ball of negative cynical doom. Don't get me wrong I'm still cynical and sarcastic and slightly satirical but in a much happier and liberating way. I guess I just hit bottom and let go.

Finally.

But I still think guys are useless; including but not limited to those especially of the high school breed yet some traitorous forsaken and rejected plot in my brain still pines for the mysterious muscle bound beefcake that actually reads and is only mysterious because he's probably not really mysterious....and so I turn sad when I have to go to social events sans a guy and then redirect the sadness to anger and the anger to cynicism which leads me into the darkside of the force.

See I haven't really changed. Just upgraded.

It's finally 2008. I GRADUATE!!!! YAY!!!

Tags: 2008, 58 weeks, bottom, cynical, dark side, graduate, graduation, guys suck, luke, rehersal, satirical, school, shakespeare, star wars, the force, william
Current Mood: indescribable

I was much irked when I realized I had to put an X before and after my name. I got kinda jealous of whatever other person in the world who dared take the name I so rightfully worked hard to come up with and make mine own. It's the one name I can just leave as is and not have to worry about differentiating. I use it for everything and the only reason I should have to add x's is because I goofed up making an account and have to make another one. Yes that way I know (or I think I know) that it's just me who owns this name of mine.

So naturally I looked up the perpitrator who decided to rob me of my title.(I sound like such a conceited bitch.) I was fullandready and expectant of the person to be some forsaken conformist to the pink and bubbly pop of the american society. Only to be confronted by a...maybe lost European soul. I don't exactly know if it's anybetter but a war is raging inside me as to whether I should be mad that the person is well away from this half of the world. I think I don't care who they are. Im just mad I didn't beat them to the endline.

The worst kind of mad is at yourself. Because those you can't console or fix by saying sorry or redeaming yourself. And the problem rewinds and plays ceaselessly in your brain to the point of banging the skull upon a very much solid surface.

So maybe, subconciously, I'm mad at myself for wanting to avoid getting an LJ and then winding up having to put x's in my beautiful used-to-be unique name.

I never saw myself as the jealous type before.

What the crap...rehersal in an hour.

Tags: beaten, mine, my name, subconciously mad at myself, x's
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Orochimaru's Theme